Disease of Stupid

by starkish

Career change opinions can vary from one person to the next. There are those who are adamant on sticking to the practice, thinking that giving up would be blasphemous, a waste of your university years, very strong willed individuals determined to see the end of the start. In which this seems to be an epidemic opinion. And the other kind simply is the type that chases overt heart wants, committing to financial resignation and often not, prolong suffering also surreptitiously strong willed individuals as determined as their counterpart. I would think that sometimes the latter have a tougher road ahead.

Oh, and did you know there is a third kind too. The one that is caught in between the two opinions. How is that even possible I sometimes wonder, yet amazingly it seems that I unfortunately fall into the category. I do not think I am alone in this as well.

6 years of university education and a sudden career change after graduation would seem as a rash decision. You would think what went wrong? Im not entirely sure either. So I gave myself time to soul search (such an overused word but entirely understandable and relatable) and pacified those related to me on a nucleus level and myself  subconsciously by practicing for a few years. Few meaning a bit over 2. The 2 years to me and I will not lie, were torturous, devoid of passion except when it came to unstructured learning and reading, and I could not understand what or why I was doing this. The flurry of jobs and tasks seem to have a primary goal in which I find selfish, restricted and blurry. Goals that I could not immerse myself in. And from time I think to myself, how does this benefit me? How does this benefit society? How do the things we do influence and improve standards and quality of the community except that more often it sees to purposely segregate the rich and the poor? Why am I being used as a tool to feed other peoples dreams? To this day I still have not found an answer except that to benefit the financial situation of the company and myself. It does not give me time to think, to ponder or to question. If I stop, I will be delegated as slow and stupid, incompetent and under achieving. The system it seems, is not designed for some persons and one of those unlucky persons is unfortunately (again) me. So you blank yourself out and slave away like a machine and primarily give up on the zest in life? It seems to be the best and most workable option. And then another question arises, why do I want to be a part of this again? The question kept ringing in my head over and over and over. The experience of the basket of emotional questions left me humbled and demanded that I should never again question a persons career choice or change with demeaning intent, might they have been wholly honest with their own career paths. Let it be the choices were to become an actor, stewardess, mechanic, model, police officer or a sheep farmer. But then jobs here are taken highly laced and influenced by status and financial situations. It is a common phenomenon of course, and in my opinion to overcome this disease would require you to have a level of intelligence and deeper understanding in life? I do not know because I sadly am sick with it. The disease of stupid.

So then I drafted a resignation letter in hopes that this would be the path I should take. An outsider would view this action as bold, courageous. Or the more negative views, throwing away your future, submitting to a life of financial hardship, but possibly a stupid kind bold and courageous, and the girl wholly sure of herself when despite all exterior portrayals are anything but. Of course there is that sizable amount of unsureness, fear and whatthefuckamidoing constantly orbiting inside of her girly head. But I figured, why would I want to stay in this profession and subject myself to a loop of never ending stress, hate and spitefulness? I know it would be childish of me to think that my next job would be all rainbows and unicorns, but all that aside, you have to give me credit for taking step to change. And the resignation letter was turned in.

I can tell you one thing though from this horrible (a definite exaggeration but I can’t find a better word to mediate the feeling) yet insightful experience; when comes the time I am to have children, I would let them explore their interests and help carve a path to support it instead of impudently shaping them to what I would want them to be. Oh please lower those raised eye brows and incredulous looks to my epically naive statement. As a human with faults there’s always the dream and the best of intentions at heart.

So with this strange and incredulous path laid out in front of me I hope the journey cures my disease of stupid and finally genuinely be happy, find peace at heart and the people around be happy for me too. It is a tall order but I want to try. And I have. Will this be the end of the road? Of course not. Nothings ever the end till your last breath. So the search will be ever on going and I will try not to be afraid of change. And this change at the moment feels amazingly good now.